


College Dropout

by Jeaven



Series: Existential Crisis [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Angst, College Dropout, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Crisis, M/M, Phil POV, but with feelings for each other, hurt Dan, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9792782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeaven/pseuds/Jeaven
Summary: When Phil first met Dan, he was an insecure but innocent teenager that dealt with life bit by bit and only if he absolutely had to. And for the first month they lived together, Phil didn't even realize that there was another side to his flatmate, a way more serious one that was slowly falling into a hole of darker and darker thoughts.Or, Dan's College Dropout as told through Phil's eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one is based off Dan's "College Dropout" video. As always reviews are very much appreciated!

**College Dropout**

When Phil first met Dan, he was an insecure but innocent teenager that dealt with life bit by bit and only if he absolutely had to.

And for the first month they lived together, Phil didn't even realize that there was another side to his flatmate, a way more serious one that was slowly falling into a hole of darker and darker thoughts.

Phil knew Dan was becoming unhappy with his life at Uni, but he never saw his breakdown coming.

The first time Dan had an existential crisis, Phil didn't notice for almost a whole hour. It was a Saturday and he woke up accordingly late. After finishing his breakfast cereal at about noon, he continued watching tv for another hour until he started to wonder why Dan was still in his room. Usually he woke up no later than 12 am, no matter how late he'd stayed up the previous night.

It was a strange sight that greeted Phil when opened the door to Dan's room. His friend was laying on his bed, awake but unmoving.

"Dan?", he asked tentatively. "Don't you want to come into the lounge?"

Dan mumbled a negative response.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

Phil was still convinced that something was amiss but went back to his room anyway to work on a new video. An hour later however, when the video was halfway done and there had still been no sign of Dan, he went back, only to find him still in his bed. And he hadn't moved an inch from where Phil had left him.

"Dan," he said. "What's wrong?"

Dan sighed deeply and gave no answer.

But Phil wasn't about to leave again. "I can see that something's bothering you."

Dan, again, remained silent, which only increased the rising worry in Phil's chest. He had seen Dan cry, he'd hugged him after a breakup, but he'd never seen him like this. Without saying anything, he sat down on Dan's bed, searching for the right words.

"I'm sad," Dan said finally, breaking the silence.

Phil breathed out in relief as Dan finally started talking. "And why are you sad, Dan?"

"Because I don't know what I'm doing with my life." Dan's petulant voice sounded like Phil was pressuring him into admitting why he hadn't done his homework, but Phil didn't care. At least Dan was willing to work with him.

"Well, you're at university, aren't you? So you don't have to think about it for another two years."

Suddenly, Dan bolted up, his hands gripping Phil's shoulders so tight it hurt. "But what then Phil?!", he practically screamed, eyes wide and full of fear. "What then?"

Phil was frozen for a second, before he laid a careful, but determined hand on Dan's waist. "Dan," he whispered urgently. "Dan, listen to me."

Dan's breath was heavy and quick, his eyes frantically searching Phil's face. Phil stared back at him as calmly as he could, trying to give him what he so desperately needed. "It's okay not to know where your life is headed," Phil said, quietly. "I know it's scary, but that's normal at your age."

But Dan shook his head violently. "But... I only have this one chance... this one life, I mean. And I can't fuck that up."

"You won't," Phil answered, mainly because he had no clue what else to say. "You just need some time to figure things out."

"But I don't have that time!" Dan's voice was plain desperate by now. "My life is so short compared to everything else around us and I'm wasting it!"

Fear began bubbling nervously in Phil's chest. He'd never seen Dan like this, and he had no idea what to do. He wanted to make it better, to somehow stop his friend from hurting, but he didn't know how. And Dan's breath was still so short and panicked Phil was beginning to worry that he might pass out.

"Dan, you have to calm down."

"I can't," Dan whispered fearfully, which made him look even younger.

Every wall in Phil crumbled and he tugged Dan towards his chest, wrapping his arms around the younger boys’ shoulders as he started to shake. Phil couldn't help but notice how thin Dan had become. He'd always found Dan quite attractive and found himself more often than he liked to admit staring at Dan and so it was inevitable that he noticed the loss of weight.

"I can't," Dan whimpered against Phil's shirt. "I just don't know what to do."

"I know," Phil mumbled and tightened his grip on his best friend, as if trying to tug him back into a happier mindset. "But you're going to be okay, I promise."

Dan made a choking noise, as if trying to bite back a sob, and started drawing small circles on his back to calm him down. "It's going to be okay," he repeated.

Dan didn't answer him. Phil didn't pressure him to do so. It wasn't like reasoning with him seemed to be doing much good at the moment, so he only continued his litany of comforting words that were quite meaningless but somehow managed to reach Dan in that dark hole he'd sunken into.

It took almost half an hour for Dan to stop shivering and shaking, and even more to fully breathe again. It was already beginning to get dark outside when he slowly lifted his head and revealed his red-rimmed eyes to Phil, who despite the circumstances couldn't help but marvel at the beautiful, soft brown color of Dan's eyes.

"How about pizza and some movies?" he asked him, trying to sound as upbeat as he could.

Dan managed a small smile. "Yeah." His voice was croaky. "Thank you."

Phil only ruffled his hair and grinned. "Hey, that's what I'm here for."

He didn't know yet just how often he would have to deal with similar situations in the next couple of months, and even long beyond that. For the rest of that evening, everything returned back to normal; Dan finished his pizza ridiculously fast, Phil made a comment on his eating habits which went unacknowledged, and they went to bed way too late. When Phil went to bed, he even allowed himself to stop worrying about Dan so much.

It only took about two days for Dan to return to that state though, and from then on Phil would wander more and more often into Dan's room to find him completely motionless and depressed.  
Three months later, everything completely fell apart.

Phil was playing video games on their tv while Dan was on the couch - finally revising for his exam. Phil had already suspected that this wasn't going to go well, which was why he'd decided to stay with Dan in the living room in the first place.

Needless to say, it still scared Phil when Dan suddenly bolted up from the sofa, threw his papers across the room and declared he wasn't going to take his exam. Fear was quickly replaced by worry though, as Dan's scream evaporated into tears.

Phil barely managed to get to his friend's side until Dan crumbled to the ground, his shoulders already shaking with sobs. Phil didn't even bother asking what exactly was wrong or what he could do to help; it was obvious that Dan was far away from being able to speak. Instead he wrapped his arms around his trembling friend and pressed Dan's tear-strained face against his shoulder.

Phil started mumbling reassurances, though he wasn't sure if Dan could even head them over his hiccups. His hands found their way into the fabric of Phil's shirt, holding onto it tightly.

It felt like hours until Phil heard Dan speak again.

"Ph- Phil," he whimpered. "I- I don't..."

"Shh," Phil murmured, trying not to let the pain Dan's tears were causing him show, "it's okay, I'm here."

Dan continued crying, leaning more heavily on Phil, who wished more than anything he could do anything to really help his best friend. But Dan's problem was his life at Uni, and Phil couldn't really help him with that. So he waited until Dan's sobs had subsided into whimpers, his cries into occasional snivels and then gently whispered: "How's about I get you some chocolate?"

Dan slowly raised his head and tentatively nodded. "Yeah, okay."


End file.
